Quarter life crisis

I think I just had some weird existential crisis in the park…

I don’t know where my brain was going with this. But I suddenly feel so old. Not like an adult, just very old.

So, I’m walking through Union Square after picking up the book I put on hold at Barnes & Noble (I may have been influenced by my new shoes and will let you know how I feel once I read it) and there are dozens of high school boys in their ugly colored uniforms walking around with clip boards. It kind of looked like they were doing a scavenger hunt or something. But as I passed a particularly large group I noticed that none of them noticed me. In any normal day I would have been more than happy to have gone unnoticed, but today, with annoying ex-boyfriends who might be considered alumni to the high school flitting through my overworked brain, I think I may have been offended? A few years ago I would probably have gotten a few looks from the 17 year old boys standing in a crowd by the lilac stall… but today, in my oversized aviators and one-size-too-big leather jacket, I was just another lady carrying an apple. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t want to attract 17 year old boys, but am I not attractive to 17 year old boys anymore? Do the hormone crazed teens passing me not noticing my butt even realize that just a few short years ago they might have thought something obscene as I passed?

But then again, I’m probably completely overthinking this. I should just chalk these thoughts up to not enough water and an irregular sleeping pattern. Maybe it’s because the ex-boyfriend implied above (or whatever he can be called) burst onto the scene with a Facebook request about a week ago after like, half a decade of absolutely no communication. Maybe this can be blamed on some weird bout of post menstrual syndrome?

All I know is that these thoughts are completely unwarranted and if I would have just called out sick this morning, I could have avoided this annoying feeling in my gut that makes me want to contact ex boyfriends and see how they’re doing.

Also, it doesn’t help that my boyfriend is totally great and is coming with me and my family to Utah tomorrow for a communion.

I’m just going to pretend that this has everything to do with my not wanting to turn 25. Because when I was 16 and that ex was a lot of what I thought about, I was convinced that by 25 I would have my life figured out, that I would have a badass job and be on my way to a chapel with wedding bells tolling and a Marine on my arm. I still love Marines, but other than that, things change. I barely make enough money to support a myself, let alone a family. My job is probably the furthest thing from “badass.” I don’t consider myself anything close to an adult. I just keep buying shoes and hoping that they’ll eventually make me feel like a real person. That, or at least make me look like I have my shit together. Because at the end of the day, that’s all I can really ask for.

Quarter life crisis

My family is pretty close. And I don’t mean just my parents and siblings… I mean my entire extended family, all of my grandparents siblings and their children and their children’s children. There are a lot of us and its craziness.

But the point I was trying to make is that we are all very close, especially with our parents, and no one moves out of the house until they get married.

This isn’t specific to just the women of the family; all children, unless married, live with their parents. My dad’s aunt’s kids are all between the ages of 25 and 29 and still living home… in a semi attached house… with three bedrooms… there are like 5 of them. If you ask me, that’s a little nuts.

Recently, one of my cousins decided to be a badass, defy the laws of nature and move to Brooklyn. I mean he works in Staten Island but where he lives is really pretty; plus he lives with friends.

WELL

my father was offended. My dad, not his, mine. My dad is literally not even blood related to this boy at all (he’s my cousin on my mother’s side) and I got yelled at. Weird, I know.

Not to mention that the cousin in question is 25. Yes, well, good stuff.

But the last few weeks have made me really contemplate my situation in life; where I live, my job, my commute, my relationship status, how much money I make vs how much I spend (the latter number is definitely higher) and its made me realize that I can’t live like this forever.

I don’t want to wait until I get married to have my own place and try to make it on my own. I don’t want to wake up before the sun rises every morning and get home after it sets every night. I do not want to spend more hours commuting to and from work than I spend awake in my own damn home. I just don’t.

I want to move to a new city and be a real person. Maybe own a cat. But fundamentally I want to be an adult. A real one, bot this pseudo adult crap I’ve goy going on right now. I mean, lets be realistic, it probably won’t happen in the very near future because I don’t have enough money, but maybe in a few years, I was thinking 25 is a good age.

But then I thought “what if I get to 25 years old and I still feel like a kid?” I mean hell, at 16 I assumed I would be an actual adult by 22.

However, here I am, 22 years old, I spend more time writing than I do working, I eat poptarts for breakfast and I live on kitkats while at work.

Needless to say, this is not how I pictured my life at age 22.

I think life just makes me nervous. I never really pictured myself married or having kids; I barely even like kids. But I don’t see this working out in my favor.
And it makes me freak out. Obviously. Hence my long winded quarter life crisis. I think this is what happens when you don’t know what you want out of life.

I honestly don’t think I can handle any more of this second guessing my life. Someone tell me what to do!