old

I think I just had some weird existential crisis in the park…

I don’t know where my brain was going with this. But I suddenly feel so old. Not like an adult, just very old.

So, I’m walking through Union Square after picking up the book I put on hold at Barnes & Noble (I may have been influenced by my new shoes and will let you know how I feel once I read it) and there are dozens of high school boys in their ugly colored uniforms walking around with clip boards. It kind of looked like they were doing a scavenger hunt or something. But as I passed a particularly large group I noticed that none of them noticed me. In any normal day I would have been more than happy to have gone unnoticed, but today, with annoying ex-boyfriends who might be considered alumni to the high school flitting through my overworked brain, I think I may have been offended? A few years ago I would probably have gotten a few looks from the 17 year old boys standing in a crowd by the lilac stall… but today, in my oversized aviators and one-size-too-big leather jacket, I was just another lady carrying an apple. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t want to attract 17 year old boys, but am I not attractive to 17 year old boys anymore? Do the hormone crazed teens passing me not noticing my butt even realize that just a few short years ago they might have thought something obscene as I passed?

But then again, I’m probably completely overthinking this. I should just chalk these thoughts up to not enough water and an irregular sleeping pattern. Maybe it’s because the ex-boyfriend implied above (or whatever he can be called) burst onto the scene with a Facebook request about a week ago after like, half a decade of absolutely no communication. Maybe this can be blamed on some weird bout of post menstrual syndrome?

All I know is that these thoughts are completely unwarranted and if I would have just called out sick this morning, I could have avoided this annoying feeling in my gut that makes me want to contact ex boyfriends and see how they’re doing.

Also, it doesn’t help that my boyfriend is totally great and is coming with me and my family to Utah tomorrow for a communion.

I’m just going to pretend that this has everything to do with my not wanting to turn 25. Because when I was 16 and that ex was a lot of what I thought about, I was convinced that by 25 I would have my life figured out, that I would have a badass job and be on my way to a chapel with wedding bells tolling and a Marine on my arm. I still love Marines, but other than that, things change. I barely make enough money to support a myself, let alone a family. My job is probably the furthest thing from “badass.” I don’t consider myself anything close to an adult. I just keep buying shoes and hoping that they’ll eventually make me feel like a real person. That, or at least make me look like I have my shit together. Because at the end of the day, that’s all I can really ask for.

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