Inspiration

I think I’m lost

Since starting a new job four weeks ago, a lot of my free time (not that I have much) has been spent panicking over my future. 

  • What will I do? 
  • Where do I go from here? 
  • How will I support myself as an adult? 
  • Do I really want to continue on this road?
  • Where does this road even lead?
  • Was this a mistake?
  • Why did I leave my old job?
  • Am I smart enough to be here?
  • Do I even know what I’m doing??

At any given moment, these and countless other extremely frightening  questions can be found swimming through my head, drowning any thought of happiness  or contentment. My brain swells with thoughts that threaten to keep me awake at night, staring into the dark abyss, uncomfortably aware that I might never make anything of myself. Of course I can’t begin getting comfortable at this new place. Everything is wrong. I’m not smart enough to be here. I’m not smart enough to be anywhere! I’m useless and talentless. There is nothing more disheartening then realizing that you are mediocre, that you possess no unique talents, and that there are plenty of other people who can do exactly what you do, only way fucking better. 

So then, the question becomes how does one make it through this unscathed? Or at least in one piece… Can I get better? I can take classes. I can go back to school. But do I really way to spend all my money for a masters degree in something I probably won’t like in 3 years? Could I even make it through the program? How much does a master degree cost? Would I be able to budget my time accordingly? I can’t commit to this… What if I don’t like it and don’t want to do it after a few days? Do universities offer refunds? This is way too much for me. 

My mind feels like a WWE wrestling match. Right now, any form of delight I might have had over now working in Soho, or living at my summer house, or even the God damn weather, is getting beaten to a pulp with a folding chair in the corner of the ring, with its head lolling lower and lower and it’s nose bleeding profusely. I can’t tell if I’m frustrated about not having a general direction to run in, or if I’m completely terrified of it.

Having a goal would help tremendously. But as you can see, I’m goal-less. The way I see it, I’m basically spitting in the wind, hoping it won’t come back and hit me in the face. But I know it will. Your career doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you want to follow the current with, if that makes sense. This is not a “go with the flow” kind of situation. I can’t just see where the stream takes me. Unless I’m wrong. And while it is highly probable that I am wrong, I’m still pretty damn screwed, possibly more then originally anticipated. Because if your career is something that you want to lift your feet for and follow the current, I might not be able to relinquish control long enough to. I like to pretend that I’m spontaneous and adventurous, but if I’m being serious here, the most spontaneous thing I’ve done all week was stop to get gas this morning on my way to work when my gas light when on earlier than anticipated.

So what do I do?

Do I spend the money, go back to school and hate the masters I’m only a quarter of the way through with? 

Do I try and stick with the current plan and work to be an advertising sales representative, even though I know full well that I’d be the worst salesperson in the whole universe? Or do I just quit, steal a cardboard box and sleep on the beach in Breezy Point for the rest of my life?

I have no fucking clue. Maybe I need a life coach.

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I have absolutely positively nothing to write about

I can’t tell if it’s writer’s block or a complete lack of inspiration.

My brain is useless at the moment. I do nothing but eat and work (not really but whatever.) My life is kind of boring. Even though I’m actually do things sometimes (this past weekend, my boyfriend and I and a few of our friends went upstate and rode ATVs and ate mac & cheese andĀ frozen pizzas) I just have no desire to put pen to paper and relive it. I’ve been reading a bit and I feel like that should be making me what to write but honestly, it just makes me want to curl up in a ball under my bed and continue to read. Its terrible. I just finished rereading a series that I like so maybe I’ll write a review?

I need something to occupy my brain before it turns to mush and all I can do is babble about horses or something.tumblr_mb8b3m4eAP1qars9eo1_500.gif

The Realist Vs. The Romantic

  
(Taken from here)

Talking to my mom made me realize that I might be more of a realist than I originally thought. Or maybe not? I don’t know. Let me explain…

I love my boyfriend. I love him dearly and I know that eventually we will be married. But whether that’s in a year or 5 years (which I certainly hope it’s not that long) I know we will be married, we will grow old together and make a life and home together and eventually die and together we will haunt the heck out of people and absolutely love every second of it. 

That being said, I don’t think getting married young is the best thing for me. Ok so I’m not 18, but 24 is still barely considered an adult by my generation. In my office no one under 30 is married. Actually, no one under thirty is even in a relationship besides me. But my reasoning behind not wanting to be married yet has nothing to do with my coworkers. I want to be ready.

I want to be emotionally, financially, and physically prepared to create a life with a man I never want to be apart from. And because of that, I don’t think getting married yet is a good idea. 

But to get back to my original statement; my mother was looking through the university magazine that my sister got from the college she is currently a sophomore in. While skimming the pages, my mom found an article about all of the couples who got married on campus this year, including multiple couples that only graduated a year or two ago. I callously said they were dumb. I should have kept my comment to myself but I didn’t think anything of it as I blurted it out. My mother asked why I felt this way and I explained that as a 23/24 year old, you’re still a kid; you’re probably not making much money, you barely have a legitimate job (if one at all,) and there’s a decent chance you don’t even know who you are as a person. While giving my reasons, I forgot that my parents were 23 and 24 when they walked down the isle. My mom tried to explain that when you love someone your priorities change and money  eventually makes its way into your life. But with half of marriages ending in divorce and one of the main reasons for separation being money issues, would you really want to take what chance with someone you love, was my answer. 

That’s when I think she gave up on me. She already had doubts about my relationship and I think I accidentally added my fuel to the fire. But like I said, I didn’t mean too. My main point was that I plan on getting married once, to the man I am currently dating and am absolutely in love with. And when I marry him, I plan on making it perfect. So I plan on being financially stable. I want to make sure I can avoid whatever issues are avoidable. I want to make sure that if we do decide to start a family, he and I will be able to give our family everything it needs to grow and more. I know I can’t plan for everything but I would like to at least try. I want to be an adult, even if I may not feel 100% adult-like.

So maybe I’m realistic, or maybe I’m the dreamer. Maybe this is all ridiculous and my mom is the realist while I, the self proclaimed heart of ice, am the romantic. Maybe the idea of being financially stable is a myth and I’m the one harping on fantasies when I can be planning a wedding. 

But I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how it all goes. Wish me luck.

Sunday Dreamin’

Tonight we celebrated my sister’s and my  birthdays. Ever since my younger sister was born we’ve been celebrating our birthdays together. She’s my birthday buddy. 

Yesterday’s Halloween holiday was spent preparing for vampy goodness and then walking around Park Slope with absolute no destination. 

Friday AKA My birthday was spent eating all of my favorite foods with my favorite people.

Obviously this is a very short version of a very long and tiring weekend.

And after having almost 40 people in my house tonight, I’m ready for bed…

  

Happiness

Maybe I’ll never be the best at something and maybe I’ll never live in the pent house apartment overlooking Central Park, but I would much rather go through life as an average person while noticing the beauty in small things than have the kind of crazy ambition that gives people tunnel vision. 

I’m not saying I wouldn’t love to be a huge success and have my own private jet but I don’t want to sacrifice love or relationships to get there. And maybe that means I’m not driven enough for some people. I’m ok with that. But there is just too much to perfection in small things to go through life worried about my next paycheck. 

Have you ever stood in a dusty room and watched the little dust particles circulate through the sunlight coming in through a small section of a window? Have you ever watched the clouds pass and actually appreciated they’re size and shape? That’s how I want to live my life. I want to appreciate small things and big things. I want to watch grass grow, even if some people find that boring. I want sit on the beach and watch the tide roll in and then go play in the water with people I love. I want to be eternally happy, even if I’m not in a Chanel bathing suit. 

Happiness is important. My goal in life is to achieve happiness.

Happiness is both the journey and the destination, and everyone deserves to get there.

  So here are a few pictures to show what my happiness looks like, not in any order and a little messy, just like my life I think: